I don't even know what to title this...

There’s something about climbing into bed alone tonight that seems sadder than usual. I’m not feeling very happy, and I’m not exactly sure what the reason is. I feel so alone. Not that I’m even less alone any other night, but tonight --- It’s really hitting home.


My Great Grandpa isn’t doing so well. He’s been in the hospital since last Thursday; that’s nearly a week now. He was to be released Monday but I guess he decided he was done, because he suddenly took a turn for the worse. I guess that’s what it’s like when you’re older and have already lost your life companion. You just give up. I suppose though, it’s not so much giving up as it is moving on. When you have such a strong faith in something, you don’t fear the inevitable. I wish I could have that faith. I wonder what he’s scared of. Is he worried about the way he looks? Is he worried about how his family will fare without him? What must he be thinking?



I visited my Great Grandma the other day. I hadn’t seen her in a while, and it was nice to catch up. I remember when I was younger I always viewed her as someone who just wasn’t very happy and therefore took it out on everyone else. She was never mean to me, but because I was so young, I took it to be that way. She seems to be doing better and jokes around a lot. I can tell she misses grandpa though. She spoke of how he was before he died. She called him a treasure. All I could think about the whole time was Ali. I hoped that we could have that same relationship; that same love for each other. She told me that they had only seen each other about three times before they married. Their entire pre-marital relationship was through letters they wrote to each other. How romantic. It gives me hope and comfort in my situation with Ali; him being so far away. I now worry less about what others may think of how much time we’ve actually spent together.

I wish Ali’s parents would give me a chance. It hurts me so much that they have hated me to this degree from the moment they heard of me. What am I supposed to do? I have so many questions, and I am so confused. I cannot understand why they feel this way. They think I’m going to ruin his future. They think I’m bad for him. Why? What have I ever done? They think I’m a whore for having been with a man before. I wonder if they’d think these things of me if I had never been with Leo. I wouldn’t have Ali if I had never been with Leo. Why?

I always dreamt that when I married a man, I’d have that fairytale relationship with not only him, but his family. I always thought his mother could teach me recipes and other things that maybe my own mother wouldn’t know. I always dreamt of hanging out with his sister and maybe going shopping or just looking at pictures of when he was little and laughing. I always hoped his father would pull him aside and tell him how proud he is of him for finding such a wonderful woman. I am confident Ali couldn’t find anyone who would treat him better and love him more than I can and will. I KNOW I am good for him. Why can’t they see even a fraction of that? Instead they drop hints about how awful I am for Ali, how I’m a bad influence, and “damaging” or “harmful”. Would they love me if I were more submissive? If I would suck up to them until I’m red in the face and broke? Maybe by the time Ali makes something of himself they’ll see. I wish they knew the support I’ve given him. I wish they could see exactly what is damaging and harmful to their son.



My friend is having her baby shower this Sunday. I have a feeling it’s going to kill me. God I want a baby so badly. It hurts me so much to see pregnant women, especially my friends. It hurts me so much to see a newborn child, or any child for that matter. I wish that could be me; tending to a screaming toddler or changing thousands of diapers a year. I want to be a mommy so badly, and I’m not even sure I’m able. My doctor thinks I may have endometriosis. I hear it can and does cause infertility. In fact, it’s one of the leading causes. What if Ali isn’t ready in time? What if we wait so long that I just can’t anymore? I don’t want to wait not only because of how badly I want a child and want to be a mother, but I don’t want to wait because I am afraid if I do, it’ll never happen for me. Adoption just isn’t the same. I wish I could have a child with Ali and just take care of it on my own until he’s ready, so then we’d both get what we want. I want him to be the father of my children, but I don’t want to wait until he’s ready. I guess I have no choice. I have no other options. What do I do? Is there no way to end this sorrow? God…I long for the day when I am holding my own baby in my arms. I want to see him/her gazing up into my eyes as I feed it. I want to have my child hold my finger in its tiny hand. I want to watch my husband teach him/her. I want to watch him fall asleep with our tiny baby on his chest. Oh God how I want it. I don’t want to wait. 



I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death. I’ve been dreading the thought of my great grandpa’s passing, and also thinking about others I’ve known who have already gone. Last year while I was in Australia, a very old friend of the family’s hung himself. He and his wife, whom he hadn’t known or been married to long, had been fighting a lot; he was very unhappy. She told him to kill himself during their last fight. I don’t know if it was because she was just angry or if she really meant it, but she said it, and he did it. I wonder if she feels sorry. She didn’t want his family at the funeral, and she didn’t want to honor his wish on where he wanted to be buried. She didn’t really love him. He was dead long before he killed himself. I was sad that I was so far away and couldn’t attend the funeral, but his death didn’t really hit me until a couple weeks afterward. We had been close as children, but had grown far apart. Even so, it made me just as sad as if we had always been as close as we were when we played doctor so many years ago.

I guess there are some things we cannot change. There are some things that as much as we would like to make different, must remain the same. I wouldn’t change my life, for if I did, I would not be where I am. I would not have my life companion. However, I do wish I could change the course of other people’s lives. I wish my friend was still alive, and that he had never met Alicia. I wish I had been a better great granddaughter to my grandpa. I still remember the “date” he took me on to see Les Miserables; I wish we had done things like that more often. I wish I could change the things that happened to Ali’s father when he was younger; the things that, no doubt, have affected how he treats me today. But…there are some things we cannot change.