Does anyone really read this?

I can pretty much guarantee that there's not a single person who hasn't wondered why things do or do not happen to them. It's like that question that can never REALLY be answered "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

I'm not saying I'm a good person, though I'm definitely not a "bad" one. Then again, the definitions of "good" and "bad" can be stretched fairly far in both ways. No, I'm not a bad person, but I won't ever claim to be extraordinarily good either. Still -- why me?

I've never known what it's like to have everything I've wanted, though I have quite a few friends who seem to know this feeling quite well. I can't even say I've gotten half of what I wanted out of life so far. I'm only 21, but I always imagined myself being married by now, partially done with my degree, a decent job...or ideally a husband with a decent job so I could concentrate on my studies. I imagined myself with a child, or one on the way, in an apartment, with a car that runs, and a family, including in-laws, that loves me no matter what.

I have a fiance, but I couldn't even begin to guess when I finally get to marry him. I haven't even put a dent in the degree I was trying to earn, and frankly, I don't really care about that anymore. I work my butt off in a job that doesn't pay me enough to make it truly worth the amount of stress and emotional/mental strain it causes me (though I LOVE the girls I work with dearly). I have no children, and probably won't for a long time. Even if Ali was ready like I am, I am skeptical as to whether or not my body can even conceive. I don't look forward to the tests my doctor has spoken to me about if I don't within a certain amount of time (once I begin trying). I live at home, my car barely runs, and my soon to be in-laws detest me. I'm pretty sure they'd rather die than have me as their daughter.

I try to be positive, I try to look toward the future and see the good in what I have now, but its just too hard. I never want to wake up because I know I'm waking up alone, once I'm up I don't want to do anything because I have to do it alone.. I'm kind of a mess lately I suppose, but I just don't know how to fix it. I keep gaining weight, but can't get the motivation to exercise, again, because I have to do it alone.

Every tiny thing that has ever made me happy has been slowly taken away from me....one by one...The thought of marrying my fiance, whom I love SO much, was what made me happy for a while, but now...who knows when..."eventually"..I feel like it will never happen because "eventually" isn't soon enough... The thought of finally being married and trying for a baby kept me happy for a while, until Ali came to the realization that he just isn't ready yet...I feel like I'll never have kids because "someday" just isn't soon enough.

The thought of getting a degree kind of went away with the thought of having kids, because I don't want to be the mother who misses raising her children. I want to be home with them. What is there to be happy about? I don't even get to spend time with my fiance. If I want to live with him and be near him, I have to give up everything I know here and move to be with him. It's pretty hard to see the light when someone has drawn the shades over all the windows.

I KNOW that I don't have it as bad as a lot of other people out there, I'm not claiming my situation is any worse than theirs...but that doesn't make it any easier to handle...it doesn't make the pain any easier to ignore.

If anyone actually read this, I apologise for the depressing nature of this entry....but I really doubt anyone does. I take comfort in the fact that only a few people even know about this blog, and that it's set on private...I guess it's just a good place to vent and let out my stresses and worries late at night when I can't sleep and there's no one to talk to.

They say that when God closes a door, He opens a window. I hope that this is true. I don't want to stay in this darkness forever.