Fresh Starts

     So I've been thinking...about how all I do anymore is sit around at home "just in case" I get the chance to talk to Ali. I've decided that I'm going to change that and make myself happy. I want to get out more. I want to do and experience things unhindered. I want to go out without worrying about whether or not I'll miss that one chance I get to talk to him. 

     I've been going out a lot lately with friends. I've gone hiking, out to haunted houses (seeing as how it's almost Halloween), and just plain having fun. I never realized how bored I have been with life and the way things were. I never realized how BORING sitting at home doing nothing but waiting is. 

     I've only been doing things for a week or so now, and I can't even believe that I've spent all that time just sitting around. It's no wonder I've gained so much weight! So here's to losing that weight, seeing and trying new things (like hiking! aaah! never thought I'd enjoy it!), and becoming a happier person overall :-).

Changes, Heartache, and Revelations

     I've been engaged now for about a year to my dear fiancée, Ali. We had planned to marry last December, but plans fell through when a few things came up relating to finances. So, we soon began discussing the possibility of a summer wedding, and I allowed myself to become excited all over again. I had so many things planned, not to mention I've already bought a dress (which is absolutely gorgeous, by the way). Things were coming together well, all I needed was a for sure date from Ali, and a way for us to get around certain obstacles in our lives. Long story short, Ali and I have decided together that we are going to wait for a while before we start any wedding plans again. We've come to the realization that there are certain things that need to be taken care of before we tie the knot, and that for now, a religious wedding will have to be enough. 

     At first, the thought of not getting married right away devastated me, and in a way, I suppose it still does. However, I began to wonder why, exactly I'm so intent on marrying now. If I love Ali so much why can't I wait? I've realized that what I want from Ali shouldn't have a time limit. That because I love him so much, I should be willing to wait however long it takes to get things taken care of. I have decided to try and stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks, and especially what everyone else has, and focus on the good things in my life. I'm going to try my hardest to see the good in the worst of times, and to stop being so selfish and think only of myself and the things I want to accomplish. I know that if I can learn to be patient, and happy with the things I have, God will finally give me peace and stop this waiting. 

     So here is to the start of something different, that will lead to something so much better than I ever could have hoped for. I love you, Ali.

Why So Difficult?

     Have you ever noticed that we always find what should be the simplest of things to be the most difficult? You'd think that we would easily be able to see all the good that we have and ignore all the bad. Why does it have to be so dang hard to be positive?
     I know that I'm not the only person to dwell almost 100% on what I don't have. I wouldn't say I'm greedy (though some do say I am asking a little too much). I'm not asking for cars and money, I'm not asking for material things. Can one be greedy and selfish if all they want is to be happy?
     I guess that in order to answer that question, you have to ask yourself, what would truly make you happy? Me? All I really want is to be with the man I love, to be happy and stable, and to start a family. I'd love to be near my immediate and extended family as well, but I know I could be happy even if the only thing I could have is a child of my own and the man I love. I realize that I could be a lot more grateful for the things I have, if only I knew how to forget about what I lack.
     Have you ever wanted something so much that you'd do anything to get it? Do you remember what it was like when you were young, and you could say things like: "I'm going to be a police man when I grow up!" or "I wanna be an ice cream truck driver!"?  For as long as I remember, I have wanted to be a wife...a mother...When what I have now consists of good things, like a roof over my head and food (even though I rarely eat anymore), it also consists of a lot of loneliness.

     It's taken me months to try and finish this post. I've had it sitting in the drafts since I posted last, and just haven't been able to find the proper words to finish. All I can say now, is that there's a lesson to be learned in everything we do. I'm confident that living without my dreams for the next 4 years will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I know that God will make it worth it for me. I will admit, that today, so far at least, I am not feeling quite as negative about everything, and that tomorrow I may bounce back to thinking that it's hopeless and not even want to get up, but for now, this moment, I can be grateful for what I have: A man who loves me, who just wants to support me and give me everything he can.