I don't even know what to title this...

There’s something about climbing into bed alone tonight that seems sadder than usual. I’m not feeling very happy, and I’m not exactly sure what the reason is. I feel so alone. Not that I’m even less alone any other night, but tonight --- It’s really hitting home.


My Great Grandpa isn’t doing so well. He’s been in the hospital since last Thursday; that’s nearly a week now. He was to be released Monday but I guess he decided he was done, because he suddenly took a turn for the worse. I guess that’s what it’s like when you’re older and have already lost your life companion. You just give up. I suppose though, it’s not so much giving up as it is moving on. When you have such a strong faith in something, you don’t fear the inevitable. I wish I could have that faith. I wonder what he’s scared of. Is he worried about the way he looks? Is he worried about how his family will fare without him? What must he be thinking?



I visited my Great Grandma the other day. I hadn’t seen her in a while, and it was nice to catch up. I remember when I was younger I always viewed her as someone who just wasn’t very happy and therefore took it out on everyone else. She was never mean to me, but because I was so young, I took it to be that way. She seems to be doing better and jokes around a lot. I can tell she misses grandpa though. She spoke of how he was before he died. She called him a treasure. All I could think about the whole time was Ali. I hoped that we could have that same relationship; that same love for each other. She told me that they had only seen each other about three times before they married. Their entire pre-marital relationship was through letters they wrote to each other. How romantic. It gives me hope and comfort in my situation with Ali; him being so far away. I now worry less about what others may think of how much time we’ve actually spent together.

I wish Ali’s parents would give me a chance. It hurts me so much that they have hated me to this degree from the moment they heard of me. What am I supposed to do? I have so many questions, and I am so confused. I cannot understand why they feel this way. They think I’m going to ruin his future. They think I’m bad for him. Why? What have I ever done? They think I’m a whore for having been with a man before. I wonder if they’d think these things of me if I had never been with Leo. I wouldn’t have Ali if I had never been with Leo. Why?

I always dreamt that when I married a man, I’d have that fairytale relationship with not only him, but his family. I always thought his mother could teach me recipes and other things that maybe my own mother wouldn’t know. I always dreamt of hanging out with his sister and maybe going shopping or just looking at pictures of when he was little and laughing. I always hoped his father would pull him aside and tell him how proud he is of him for finding such a wonderful woman. I am confident Ali couldn’t find anyone who would treat him better and love him more than I can and will. I KNOW I am good for him. Why can’t they see even a fraction of that? Instead they drop hints about how awful I am for Ali, how I’m a bad influence, and “damaging” or “harmful”. Would they love me if I were more submissive? If I would suck up to them until I’m red in the face and broke? Maybe by the time Ali makes something of himself they’ll see. I wish they knew the support I’ve given him. I wish they could see exactly what is damaging and harmful to their son.



My friend is having her baby shower this Sunday. I have a feeling it’s going to kill me. God I want a baby so badly. It hurts me so much to see pregnant women, especially my friends. It hurts me so much to see a newborn child, or any child for that matter. I wish that could be me; tending to a screaming toddler or changing thousands of diapers a year. I want to be a mommy so badly, and I’m not even sure I’m able. My doctor thinks I may have endometriosis. I hear it can and does cause infertility. In fact, it’s one of the leading causes. What if Ali isn’t ready in time? What if we wait so long that I just can’t anymore? I don’t want to wait not only because of how badly I want a child and want to be a mother, but I don’t want to wait because I am afraid if I do, it’ll never happen for me. Adoption just isn’t the same. I wish I could have a child with Ali and just take care of it on my own until he’s ready, so then we’d both get what we want. I want him to be the father of my children, but I don’t want to wait until he’s ready. I guess I have no choice. I have no other options. What do I do? Is there no way to end this sorrow? God…I long for the day when I am holding my own baby in my arms. I want to see him/her gazing up into my eyes as I feed it. I want to have my child hold my finger in its tiny hand. I want to watch my husband teach him/her. I want to watch him fall asleep with our tiny baby on his chest. Oh God how I want it. I don’t want to wait. 



I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death. I’ve been dreading the thought of my great grandpa’s passing, and also thinking about others I’ve known who have already gone. Last year while I was in Australia, a very old friend of the family’s hung himself. He and his wife, whom he hadn’t known or been married to long, had been fighting a lot; he was very unhappy. She told him to kill himself during their last fight. I don’t know if it was because she was just angry or if she really meant it, but she said it, and he did it. I wonder if she feels sorry. She didn’t want his family at the funeral, and she didn’t want to honor his wish on where he wanted to be buried. She didn’t really love him. He was dead long before he killed himself. I was sad that I was so far away and couldn’t attend the funeral, but his death didn’t really hit me until a couple weeks afterward. We had been close as children, but had grown far apart. Even so, it made me just as sad as if we had always been as close as we were when we played doctor so many years ago.

I guess there are some things we cannot change. There are some things that as much as we would like to make different, must remain the same. I wouldn’t change my life, for if I did, I would not be where I am. I would not have my life companion. However, I do wish I could change the course of other people’s lives. I wish my friend was still alive, and that he had never met Alicia. I wish I had been a better great granddaughter to my grandpa. I still remember the “date” he took me on to see Les Miserables; I wish we had done things like that more often. I wish I could change the things that happened to Ali’s father when he was younger; the things that, no doubt, have affected how he treats me today. But…there are some things we cannot change.

YouTube - Keith Olbermann Special Comment: There Is No 'Ground Zero Mosque' - 08/16/10

This video is very powerful, and I 100% agree with him. I'm so glad there are some people who actually looks at the facts...

YouTube - Keith Olbermann Special Comment: There Is No 'Ground Zero Mosque' - 08/16/10

Marriage - Not a happy story

I did not write this, I am not attempting to take any credit for it. I just wanted to repost what I have found, in hopes that others will find it too...



MARRIAGE



When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.



Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.



She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?



I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!



With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.



She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.



The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.



When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.



In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.



This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.



She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.



I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.



My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside

the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.



On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.



On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.



On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.



She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.



Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.



Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.



But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.



I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.



She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.



Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.



At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.



That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....



The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!



If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.



If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A New Project

     Today we said our very last goodbye. Ali is going to Iran until mid-August, and we will not be able to have any contact while he's there. In order to avoid extreme depression on both our parts, we've decided to start sort of a Journal. Each of us will write every day about the things we've done, ideas we've had, obstacles we've overcome, etc. Though we won't be able to read each others writings until he's back in Canada, we take comfort knowing that every night, we're both doing the same thing.
     I plan to post each entry here on my blog, mostly because I will be more likely to keep up with it if I can do it here rather on a pice of paper. You're all welcome to read these posts, but obviously its not like you HAVE to. Don't worry, there will be nothing extremely personal or innapropriate.
     Wish us luck in this hardship. We know we'll get through it, but extra prayers are always welcome and needed.

Mixed Emotions

     As some of you may know, I recently returned from a vacation to Canada where I visited Ali. I had such a wonderful time. It was by far the best week of my life, but also the worst. Being with Ali was amazing. We had so much fun, and so many laughs. We went to Wonderland, where I got to scream my butt off, and laugh at him screaming HIS butt off :-D. I watched him get SOAKED on the water rides we went on, and laughed at him complaining about how his hair was now ruined (pfft...men ;-)). We went out on numerous dates, some of which were just fun, and some of which were filled with romance.
     As much fun as I was having, I couldnt stop myself from thinking that in only a few days I would have to say goodbye and not see Ali again for 6 months. That thought was so heartbreaking, and nothing could make me feel better about it. On the day I left, however, Ali came to my hotel early to help me pack up, and then we went to the airport together. We had some lunch, and held each other with vice grips. I didn't want to let go, and I knew he didn't either. I was scared of how unsure everything was, how unsure our future was, and scared that I'd never see him again. I assume he was feeling the same, because that was when he put the ring on my finger :-D. He assured me this was not the end and that this was his promise to me that we would be together again. That was the best, and worst, day of my life.
     Now, a week later, he's getting ready to leave for Iran with his family. He'll be gone until mid-August, and there's a chance we will not be able to talk at all while he's there. As his future wife, I sit here terrified that he won't come back. That he'll crash on the way there or back, or that his parents will try and keep him there, or that a huge bombing will take place and I'll never see him again. There is nothing that can ease these fears until I know he's safe back here where he belongs. The one thing that offers comfort is knowing that there's a reason things have happened the way they are, and I know God is watching over us. All I can do is offer everything I have, and a simple prayer to Him that He will bring my Ali back to me safe and sound.
    

Taking Charge

I always am sooo insecure about my weight and my looks...and lately, especially around that time of the month, I feel even worse (as I'm sure we all do), but to the point where it affects EVERYONE around me.

I decided I want to take some time every day, or even every week, to just look at myself and find something about my body that I actually LIKE...maybe then I'll be able to gain a little bit more confidence in myself, and be able to work harder toward my weight goal...

I'm hoping that maybe if I'm more okay with my body, I'll feel happier and more motivated to get things done...

ABBA

    Have you ever gotten a song stuck in your head that you just can't get out no matter what you do? You sing other songs, dance your heart out to every other catchy tune possible, run them all through your head thousands of times, and at the end of it all, that first song is still playing over and over and over in your head...oh man...No thanks to the movie Mama Mia...lol...I now have a ton of Abba songs stuck in my head. The thing is, I haven't even watched it recently *rolls eyes*... what the heck man?