Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Hiking 2010!
A New Year - A New Beginning
As some, or all of you may know, Ali and I are no longer together. It's a long story as to why, and there were a lot of hurt feelings on both ends, but what's done is done, and we both have to live with our decisions, especially me. As I struggle to get used to being single again after so long, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the different things going on in my life.
I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, but in thinking of what I've done that isn't so great, I've realized I haven't done a whole lot that IS. I haven't done a whole lot PERIOD. Sure, I've traveled to a couple new countries. I've flown to new places, but honestly, I didn't get to do some of the things I now wish I could have. If I could change things, I'd have made layovers longer so I could explore a little bit. I'd have planned more so that I'd have more money to just play with. I wish I had done so much more when I went to Australia. I had lots of fun in Canada, but wish I had done more on the layovers getting there.
I suppose my point is that I'm done. I'm done with worrying about everything and everyone around me. I want to have fun with my life. I want to do whatever the heck I want and not have to worry about what a significant other might think about it. I miss Ali, but I think I need to finally just give up on it and move on with my life since its obvious he wants nothing to do with me.
I'm going to try and blog more, maybe since I plan to do a lot more I'll have stuff to talk about! At the very least, I'll have lots of new pictures to post and lots of new experiences.
Thanks to everyone who's stood by me through all the hard times. You can never know just how much it has meant to me.
I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, but in thinking of what I've done that isn't so great, I've realized I haven't done a whole lot that IS. I haven't done a whole lot PERIOD. Sure, I've traveled to a couple new countries. I've flown to new places, but honestly, I didn't get to do some of the things I now wish I could have. If I could change things, I'd have made layovers longer so I could explore a little bit. I'd have planned more so that I'd have more money to just play with. I wish I had done so much more when I went to Australia. I had lots of fun in Canada, but wish I had done more on the layovers getting there.
I suppose my point is that I'm done. I'm done with worrying about everything and everyone around me. I want to have fun with my life. I want to do whatever the heck I want and not have to worry about what a significant other might think about it. I miss Ali, but I think I need to finally just give up on it and move on with my life since its obvious he wants nothing to do with me.
I'm going to try and blog more, maybe since I plan to do a lot more I'll have stuff to talk about! At the very least, I'll have lots of new pictures to post and lots of new experiences.
Thanks to everyone who's stood by me through all the hard times. You can never know just how much it has meant to me.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Fresh Starts
So I've been thinking...about how all I do anymore is sit around at home "just in case" I get the chance to talk to Ali. I've decided that I'm going to change that and make myself happy. I want to get out more. I want to do and experience things unhindered. I want to go out without worrying about whether or not I'll miss that one chance I get to talk to him.
I've only been doing things for a week or so now, and I can't even believe that I've spent all that time just sitting around. It's no wonder I've gained so much weight! So here's to losing that weight, seeing and trying new things (like hiking! aaah! never thought I'd enjoy it!), and becoming a happier person overall :-).
I've been going out a lot lately with friends. I've gone hiking, out to haunted houses (seeing as how it's almost Halloween), and just plain having fun. I never realized how bored I have been with life and the way things were. I never realized how BORING sitting at home doing nothing but waiting is.
I've only been doing things for a week or so now, and I can't even believe that I've spent all that time just sitting around. It's no wonder I've gained so much weight! So here's to losing that weight, seeing and trying new things (like hiking! aaah! never thought I'd enjoy it!), and becoming a happier person overall :-).Saturday, May 7, 2011
Changes, Heartache, and Revelations
I've been engaged now for about a year to my dear fiancée, Ali. We had planned to marry last December, but plans fell through when a few things came up relating to finances. So, we soon began discussing the possibility of a summer wedding, and I allowed myself to become excited all over again. I had so many things planned, not to mention I've already bought a dress (which is absolutely gorgeous, by the way). Things were coming together well, all I needed was a for sure date from Ali, and a way for us to get around certain obstacles in our lives. Long story short, Ali and I have decided together that we are going to wait for a while before we start any wedding plans again. We've come to the realization that there are certain things that need to be taken care of before we tie the knot, and that for now, a religious wedding will have to be enough.
At first, the thought of not getting married right away devastated me, and in a way, I suppose it still does. However, I began to wonder why, exactly I'm so intent on marrying now. If I love Ali so much why can't I wait? I've realized that what I want from Ali shouldn't have a time limit. That because I love him so much, I should be willing to wait however long it takes to get things taken care of. I have decided to try and stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks, and especially what everyone else has, and focus on the good things in my life. I'm going to try my hardest to see the good in the worst of times, and to stop being so selfish and think only of myself and the things I want to accomplish. I know that if I can learn to be patient, and happy with the things I have, God will finally give me peace and stop this waiting.
So here is to the start of something different, that will lead to something so much better than I ever could have hoped for. I love you, Ali.
Why So Difficult?
Have you ever noticed that we always find what should be the simplest of things to be the most difficult? You'd think that we would easily be able to see all the good that we have and ignore all the bad. Why does it have to be so dang hard to be positive?
I know that I'm not the only person to dwell almost 100% on what I don't have. I wouldn't say I'm greedy (though some do say I am asking a little too much). I'm not asking for cars and money, I'm not asking for material things. Can one be greedy and selfish if all they want is to be happy?
I guess that in order to answer that question, you have to ask yourself, what would truly make you happy? Me? All I really want is to be with the man I love, to be happy and stable, and to start a family. I'd love to be near my immediate and extended family as well, but I know I could be happy even if the only thing I could have is a child of my own and the man I love. I realize that I could be a lot more grateful for the things I have, if only I knew how to forget about what I lack.
Have you ever wanted something so much that you'd do anything to get it? Do you remember what it was like when you were young, and you could say things like: "I'm going to be a police man when I grow up!" or "I wanna be an ice cream truck driver!"? For as long as I remember, I have wanted to be a wife...a mother...When what I have now consists of good things, like a roof over my head and food (even though I rarely eat anymore), it also consists of a lot of loneliness.
It's taken me months to try and finish this post. I've had it sitting in the drafts since I posted last, and just haven't been able to find the proper words to finish. All I can say now, is that there's a lesson to be learned in everything we do. I'm confident that living without my dreams for the next 4 years will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I know that God will make it worth it for me. I will admit, that today, so far at least, I am not feeling quite as negative about everything, and that tomorrow I may bounce back to thinking that it's hopeless and not even want to get up, but for now, this moment, I can be grateful for what I have: A man who loves me, who just wants to support me and give me everything he can.
I know that I'm not the only person to dwell almost 100% on what I don't have. I wouldn't say I'm greedy (though some do say I am asking a little too much). I'm not asking for cars and money, I'm not asking for material things. Can one be greedy and selfish if all they want is to be happy?
I guess that in order to answer that question, you have to ask yourself, what would truly make you happy? Me? All I really want is to be with the man I love, to be happy and stable, and to start a family. I'd love to be near my immediate and extended family as well, but I know I could be happy even if the only thing I could have is a child of my own and the man I love. I realize that I could be a lot more grateful for the things I have, if only I knew how to forget about what I lack.
Have you ever wanted something so much that you'd do anything to get it? Do you remember what it was like when you were young, and you could say things like: "I'm going to be a police man when I grow up!" or "I wanna be an ice cream truck driver!"? For as long as I remember, I have wanted to be a wife...a mother...When what I have now consists of good things, like a roof over my head and food (even though I rarely eat anymore), it also consists of a lot of loneliness.
It's taken me months to try and finish this post. I've had it sitting in the drafts since I posted last, and just haven't been able to find the proper words to finish. All I can say now, is that there's a lesson to be learned in everything we do. I'm confident that living without my dreams for the next 4 years will be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, but I know that God will make it worth it for me. I will admit, that today, so far at least, I am not feeling quite as negative about everything, and that tomorrow I may bounce back to thinking that it's hopeless and not even want to get up, but for now, this moment, I can be grateful for what I have: A man who loves me, who just wants to support me and give me everything he can.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Does anyone really read this?
I can pretty much guarantee that there's not a single person who hasn't wondered why things do or do not happen to them. It's like that question that can never REALLY be answered "Why do bad things happen to good people?"
I'm not saying I'm a good person, though I'm definitely not a "bad" one. Then again, the definitions of "good" and "bad" can be stretched fairly far in both ways. No, I'm not a bad person, but I won't ever claim to be extraordinarily good either. Still -- why me?
I've never known what it's like to have everything I've wanted, though I have quite a few friends who seem to know this feeling quite well. I can't even say I've gotten half of what I wanted out of life so far. I'm only 21, but I always imagined myself being married by now, partially done with my degree, a decent job...or ideally a husband with a decent job so I could concentrate on my studies. I imagined myself with a child, or one on the way, in an apartment, with a car that runs, and a family, including in-laws, that loves me no matter what.
I have a fiance, but I couldn't even begin to guess when I finally get to marry him. I haven't even put a dent in the degree I was trying to earn, and frankly, I don't really care about that anymore. I work my butt off in a job that doesn't pay me enough to make it truly worth the amount of stress and emotional/mental strain it causes me (though I LOVE the girls I work with dearly). I have no children, and probably won't for a long time. Even if Ali was ready like I am, I am skeptical as to whether or not my body can even conceive. I don't look forward to the tests my doctor has spoken to me about if I don't within a certain amount of time (once I begin trying). I live at home, my car barely runs, and my soon to be in-laws detest me. I'm pretty sure they'd rather die than have me as their daughter.
I try to be positive, I try to look toward the future and see the good in what I have now, but its just too hard. I never want to wake up because I know I'm waking up alone, once I'm up I don't want to do anything because I have to do it alone.. I'm kind of a mess lately I suppose, but I just don't know how to fix it. I keep gaining weight, but can't get the motivation to exercise, again, because I have to do it alone.
Every tiny thing that has ever made me happy has been slowly taken away from me....one by one...The thought of marrying my fiance, whom I love SO much, was what made me happy for a while, but now...who knows when..."eventually"..I feel like it will never happen because "eventually" isn't soon enough... The thought of finally being married and trying for a baby kept me happy for a while, until Ali came to the realization that he just isn't ready yet...I feel like I'll never have kids because "someday" just isn't soon enough.
The thought of getting a degree kind of went away with the thought of having kids, because I don't want to be the mother who misses raising her children. I want to be home with them. What is there to be happy about? I don't even get to spend time with my fiance. If I want to live with him and be near him, I have to give up everything I know here and move to be with him. It's pretty hard to see the light when someone has drawn the shades over all the windows.
I KNOW that I don't have it as bad as a lot of other people out there, I'm not claiming my situation is any worse than theirs...but that doesn't make it any easier to handle...it doesn't make the pain any easier to ignore.
If anyone actually read this, I apologise for the depressing nature of this entry....but I really doubt anyone does. I take comfort in the fact that only a few people even know about this blog, and that it's set on private...I guess it's just a good place to vent and let out my stresses and worries late at night when I can't sleep and there's no one to talk to.
I'm not saying I'm a good person, though I'm definitely not a "bad" one. Then again, the definitions of "good" and "bad" can be stretched fairly far in both ways. No, I'm not a bad person, but I won't ever claim to be extraordinarily good either. Still -- why me?
I've never known what it's like to have everything I've wanted, though I have quite a few friends who seem to know this feeling quite well. I can't even say I've gotten half of what I wanted out of life so far. I'm only 21, but I always imagined myself being married by now, partially done with my degree, a decent job...or ideally a husband with a decent job so I could concentrate on my studies. I imagined myself with a child, or one on the way, in an apartment, with a car that runs, and a family, including in-laws, that loves me no matter what.
I have a fiance, but I couldn't even begin to guess when I finally get to marry him. I haven't even put a dent in the degree I was trying to earn, and frankly, I don't really care about that anymore. I work my butt off in a job that doesn't pay me enough to make it truly worth the amount of stress and emotional/mental strain it causes me (though I LOVE the girls I work with dearly). I have no children, and probably won't for a long time. Even if Ali was ready like I am, I am skeptical as to whether or not my body can even conceive. I don't look forward to the tests my doctor has spoken to me about if I don't within a certain amount of time (once I begin trying). I live at home, my car barely runs, and my soon to be in-laws detest me. I'm pretty sure they'd rather die than have me as their daughter.
I try to be positive, I try to look toward the future and see the good in what I have now, but its just too hard. I never want to wake up because I know I'm waking up alone, once I'm up I don't want to do anything because I have to do it alone.. I'm kind of a mess lately I suppose, but I just don't know how to fix it. I keep gaining weight, but can't get the motivation to exercise, again, because I have to do it alone.
Every tiny thing that has ever made me happy has been slowly taken away from me....one by one...The thought of marrying my fiance, whom I love SO much, was what made me happy for a while, but now...who knows when..."eventually"..I feel like it will never happen because "eventually" isn't soon enough... The thought of finally being married and trying for a baby kept me happy for a while, until Ali came to the realization that he just isn't ready yet...I feel like I'll never have kids because "someday" just isn't soon enough.
The thought of getting a degree kind of went away with the thought of having kids, because I don't want to be the mother who misses raising her children. I want to be home with them. What is there to be happy about? I don't even get to spend time with my fiance. If I want to live with him and be near him, I have to give up everything I know here and move to be with him. It's pretty hard to see the light when someone has drawn the shades over all the windows.
I KNOW that I don't have it as bad as a lot of other people out there, I'm not claiming my situation is any worse than theirs...but that doesn't make it any easier to handle...it doesn't make the pain any easier to ignore.
If anyone actually read this, I apologise for the depressing nature of this entry....but I really doubt anyone does. I take comfort in the fact that only a few people even know about this blog, and that it's set on private...I guess it's just a good place to vent and let out my stresses and worries late at night when I can't sleep and there's no one to talk to.
They say that when God closes a door, He opens a window. I hope that this is true. I don't want to stay in this darkness forever.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I don't even know what to title this...
There’s something about climbing into bed alone tonight that seems sadder than usual. I’m not feeling very happy, and I’m not exactly sure what the reason is. I feel so alone. Not that I’m even less alone any other night, but tonight --- It’s really hitting home.
My Great Grandpa isn’t doing so well. He’s been in the hospital since last Thursday; that’s nearly a week now. He was to be released Monday but I guess he decided he was done, because he suddenly took a turn for the worse. I guess that’s what it’s like when you’re older and have already lost your life companion. You just give up. I suppose though, it’s not so much giving up as it is moving on. When you have such a strong faith in something, you don’t fear the inevitable. I wish I could have that faith. I wonder what he’s scared of. Is he worried about the way he looks? Is he worried about how his family will fare without him? What must he be thinking?
I visited my Great Grandma the other day. I hadn’t seen her in a while, and it was nice to catch up. I remember when I was younger I always viewed her as someone who just wasn’t very happy and therefore took it out on everyone else. She was never mean to me, but because I was so young, I took it to be that way. She seems to be doing better and jokes around a lot. I can tell she misses grandpa though. She spoke of how he was before he died. She called him a treasure. All I could think about the whole time was Ali. I hoped that we could have that same relationship; that same love for each other. She told me that they had only seen each other about three times before they married. Their entire pre-marital relationship was through letters they wrote to each other. How romantic. It gives me hope and comfort in my situation with Ali; him being so far away. I now worry less about what others may think of how much time we’ve actually spent together.
I wish Ali’s parents would give me a chance. It hurts me so much that they have hated me to this degree from the moment they heard of me. What am I supposed to do? I have so many questions, and I am so confused. I cannot understand why they feel this way. They think I’m going to ruin his future. They think I’m bad for him. Why? What have I ever done? They think I’m a whore for having been with a man before. I wonder if they’d think these things of me if I had never been with Leo. I wouldn’t have Ali if I had never been with Leo. Why?
I always dreamt that when I married a man, I’d have that fairytale relationship with not only him, but his family. I always thought his mother could teach me recipes and other things that maybe my own mother wouldn’t know. I always dreamt of hanging out with his sister and maybe going shopping or just looking at pictures of when he was little and laughing. I always hoped his father would pull him aside and tell him how proud he is of him for finding such a wonderful woman. I am confident Ali couldn’t find anyone who would treat him better and love him more than I can and will. I KNOW I am good for him. Why can’t they see even a fraction of that? Instead they drop hints about how awful I am for Ali, how I’m a bad influence, and “damaging” or “harmful”. Would they love me if I were more submissive? If I would suck up to them until I’m red in the face and broke? Maybe by the time Ali makes something of himself they’ll see. I wish they knew the support I’ve given him. I wish they could see exactly what is damaging and harmful to their son.
My friend is having her baby shower this Sunday. I have a feeling it’s going to kill me. God I want a baby so badly. It hurts me so much to see pregnant women, especially my friends. It hurts me so much to see a newborn child, or any child for that matter. I wish that could be me; tending to a screaming toddler or changing thousands of diapers a year. I want to be a mommy so badly, and I’m not even sure I’m able. My doctor thinks I may have endometriosis. I hear it can and does cause infertility. In fact, it’s one of the leading causes. What if Ali isn’t ready in time? What if we wait so long that I just can’t anymore? I don’t want to wait not only because of how badly I want a child and want to be a mother, but I don’t want to wait because I am afraid if I do, it’ll never happen for me. Adoption just isn’t the same. I wish I could have a child with Ali and just take care of it on my own until he’s ready, so then we’d both get what we want. I want him to be the father of my children, but I don’t want to wait until he’s ready. I guess I have no choice. I have no other options. What do I do? Is there no way to end this sorrow? God…I long for the day when I am holding my own baby in my arms. I want to see him/her gazing up into my eyes as I feed it. I want to have my child hold my finger in its tiny hand. I want to watch my husband teach him/her. I want to watch him fall asleep with our tiny baby on his chest. Oh God how I want it. I don’t want to wait.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death. I’ve been dreading the thought of my great grandpa’s passing, and also thinking about others I’ve known who have already gone. Last year while I was in Australia, a very old friend of the family’s hung himself. He and his wife, whom he hadn’t known or been married to long, had been fighting a lot; he was very unhappy. She told him to kill himself during their last fight. I don’t know if it was because she was just angry or if she really meant it, but she said it, and he did it. I wonder if she feels sorry. She didn’t want his family at the funeral, and she didn’t want to honor his wish on where he wanted to be buried. She didn’t really love him. He was dead long before he killed himself. I was sad that I was so far away and couldn’t attend the funeral, but his death didn’t really hit me until a couple weeks afterward. We had been close as children, but had grown far apart. Even so, it made me just as sad as if we had always been as close as we were when we played doctor so many years ago.
I guess there are some things we cannot change. There are some things that as much as we would like to make different, must remain the same. I wouldn’t change my life, for if I did, I would not be where I am. I would not have my life companion. However, I do wish I could change the course of other people’s lives. I wish my friend was still alive, and that he had never met Alicia. I wish I had been a better great granddaughter to my grandpa. I still remember the “date” he took me on to see Les Miserables; I wish we had done things like that more often. I wish I could change the things that happened to Ali’s father when he was younger; the things that, no doubt, have affected how he treats me today. But…there are some things we cannot change.
My Great Grandpa isn’t doing so well. He’s been in the hospital since last Thursday; that’s nearly a week now. He was to be released Monday but I guess he decided he was done, because he suddenly took a turn for the worse. I guess that’s what it’s like when you’re older and have already lost your life companion. You just give up. I suppose though, it’s not so much giving up as it is moving on. When you have such a strong faith in something, you don’t fear the inevitable. I wish I could have that faith. I wonder what he’s scared of. Is he worried about the way he looks? Is he worried about how his family will fare without him? What must he be thinking?
I visited my Great Grandma the other day. I hadn’t seen her in a while, and it was nice to catch up. I remember when I was younger I always viewed her as someone who just wasn’t very happy and therefore took it out on everyone else. She was never mean to me, but because I was so young, I took it to be that way. She seems to be doing better and jokes around a lot. I can tell she misses grandpa though. She spoke of how he was before he died. She called him a treasure. All I could think about the whole time was Ali. I hoped that we could have that same relationship; that same love for each other. She told me that they had only seen each other about three times before they married. Their entire pre-marital relationship was through letters they wrote to each other. How romantic. It gives me hope and comfort in my situation with Ali; him being so far away. I now worry less about what others may think of how much time we’ve actually spent together.
I wish Ali’s parents would give me a chance. It hurts me so much that they have hated me to this degree from the moment they heard of me. What am I supposed to do? I have so many questions, and I am so confused. I cannot understand why they feel this way. They think I’m going to ruin his future. They think I’m bad for him. Why? What have I ever done? They think I’m a whore for having been with a man before. I wonder if they’d think these things of me if I had never been with Leo. I wouldn’t have Ali if I had never been with Leo. Why?
I always dreamt that when I married a man, I’d have that fairytale relationship with not only him, but his family. I always thought his mother could teach me recipes and other things that maybe my own mother wouldn’t know. I always dreamt of hanging out with his sister and maybe going shopping or just looking at pictures of when he was little and laughing. I always hoped his father would pull him aside and tell him how proud he is of him for finding such a wonderful woman. I am confident Ali couldn’t find anyone who would treat him better and love him more than I can and will. I KNOW I am good for him. Why can’t they see even a fraction of that? Instead they drop hints about how awful I am for Ali, how I’m a bad influence, and “damaging” or “harmful”. Would they love me if I were more submissive? If I would suck up to them until I’m red in the face and broke? Maybe by the time Ali makes something of himself they’ll see. I wish they knew the support I’ve given him. I wish they could see exactly what is damaging and harmful to their son.
My friend is having her baby shower this Sunday. I have a feeling it’s going to kill me. God I want a baby so badly. It hurts me so much to see pregnant women, especially my friends. It hurts me so much to see a newborn child, or any child for that matter. I wish that could be me; tending to a screaming toddler or changing thousands of diapers a year. I want to be a mommy so badly, and I’m not even sure I’m able. My doctor thinks I may have endometriosis. I hear it can and does cause infertility. In fact, it’s one of the leading causes. What if Ali isn’t ready in time? What if we wait so long that I just can’t anymore? I don’t want to wait not only because of how badly I want a child and want to be a mother, but I don’t want to wait because I am afraid if I do, it’ll never happen for me. Adoption just isn’t the same. I wish I could have a child with Ali and just take care of it on my own until he’s ready, so then we’d both get what we want. I want him to be the father of my children, but I don’t want to wait until he’s ready. I guess I have no choice. I have no other options. What do I do? Is there no way to end this sorrow? God…I long for the day when I am holding my own baby in my arms. I want to see him/her gazing up into my eyes as I feed it. I want to have my child hold my finger in its tiny hand. I want to watch my husband teach him/her. I want to watch him fall asleep with our tiny baby on his chest. Oh God how I want it. I don’t want to wait.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about death. I’ve been dreading the thought of my great grandpa’s passing, and also thinking about others I’ve known who have already gone. Last year while I was in Australia, a very old friend of the family’s hung himself. He and his wife, whom he hadn’t known or been married to long, had been fighting a lot; he was very unhappy. She told him to kill himself during their last fight. I don’t know if it was because she was just angry or if she really meant it, but she said it, and he did it. I wonder if she feels sorry. She didn’t want his family at the funeral, and she didn’t want to honor his wish on where he wanted to be buried. She didn’t really love him. He was dead long before he killed himself. I was sad that I was so far away and couldn’t attend the funeral, but his death didn’t really hit me until a couple weeks afterward. We had been close as children, but had grown far apart. Even so, it made me just as sad as if we had always been as close as we were when we played doctor so many years ago.
I guess there are some things we cannot change. There are some things that as much as we would like to make different, must remain the same. I wouldn’t change my life, for if I did, I would not be where I am. I would not have my life companion. However, I do wish I could change the course of other people’s lives. I wish my friend was still alive, and that he had never met Alicia. I wish I had been a better great granddaughter to my grandpa. I still remember the “date” he took me on to see Les Miserables; I wish we had done things like that more often. I wish I could change the things that happened to Ali’s father when he was younger; the things that, no doubt, have affected how he treats me today. But…there are some things we cannot change.
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